Church Christmas by Tafty- (Don’t be offended its only a bit of fun)
Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat .. and so are many of the rest of us after spending a lovely long hot summer slurping on sugary cocktails, tasty tapas and ice creams galore …
But now is NOT the time to start thinking about your waistline, and that summer body, that you are
‘definitely’ going to get next year! Why? Because it’s December and that means PARTY SEASON!!
Get ready for endless drunken group renditions of The Pogues -Fairytale of New York, mulled wine, mince pies, tacky Crimble decorations ANDDDD … unfortunately the scourge of Every bar and staff member alike makes their annual appearance -The dreaded ‘Once a year drinker’.
That bloke (or to keep things right ‘lady’) whose exploits in the world of alcohol consumption extend to a sip of wine at communion or a small sherry at the nieces wedding. But come to Christmas time think they are the Lionel Messi of the drinking game.
Yep he thinks he can all of a sudden compete with the rest of the gang in the office, whose sole reason for working throughout the year is to earn enough money to just about cover their bills, so that any leftover funds can be purely reserved for their ‘real’ fulltime job of knocking back pints, shooting flaming shots and necking the weirdest and most wonderful named tipples from all corners of the globe. If it’s got a pickled reptile in the bottom of the bottle, will make you hallucinate or it’s been filtered through the jockstrap of the Fijian rugby team then you can be sure they have drunk it.
To every ‘normal’ partygoers detriment this guy decides he is now the venues official jukebox for the night – And so the poor DJ has to suffer repeated and continuously more incoherent requests for ‘Proud Mary’ … on repeat, while he dances around the venue like a cross between a newborn giraffe and Mr Bean.
Fear not these once a year wonders have about as much stamina as a sloth on valium -They will enter the bar at 5 pm, be dancing with their tie around their head by 6.30 pm… Boring the life out of their work colleagues regaling tales of bygone glories by 7.30 pm and then in a taxi by 8 pm just shortly after
kindly ‘redecorating’ the bar toilet walls with a fine new coat of the Tesco red wine they had half a glass of at lunchtime ….
Finally, the sacred bar can return to some kind of order -General pub etiquette will be reestablished -Rounds will again be ordered properly not as a line of stutter single drinks -Drinkers will only approach the bar when they know what they actually want -Preferential treatment for hot girls and the lovely old man that sips his ale in the same seat all year will return -Money wavers, Flock herding whistlers and the finger-clicking Parisian cafe plonkers will be a distant memory.
…. Amateur hour is over-Now it’s the time for the ‘Real’ party to start – The potbellied pint lovers, highly skilled wine sluggers and top-shelf specialists can come out to play-And play they will because for the next few hours they have their house back and you’d better believe they are gonna raise the roof!!